bread from thy heart
(lessons in discernment, big & small…)
i was four years old when i first remember hearing the Lord speak. we were living in yarinacocha, peru, on an oxbow lake in the amazon jungle. my dad was a missionary pilot, so i grew up on a missionary base along with 300 or so other expats. our base was near the jungle city of pucallpa, and the roads between were dusty, lined with some proper neighborhoods, but also shacks & shanty towns. there was a garbage dump on the outskirts of town, & i remember one particular day, driving in one of the vehicles that we’d signed out from the base, & seeing families, children my own age, living by the dump in shanties, looking for leftovers. my heart broke open, & the Lord said, “you’ll do something about this someday…”
little children can hear God speak, and have a call placed on their life (that even they can sometimes discern) from a young age, but hearing His voice, practicing discernment (knowing & doing the will of God) regularly, & walking it out confidently, takes practice, time, & maturity.
i always believed that word in my heart to be from the Lord, & so eventually i pursued a degree in sustainable development. that moment at age four set my life’s trajectory, & i never wavered from it. by the time i was twenty-two i was back in that same jungle town, living in pucallpa, working with a Christian humanitarian organization called food for the hungry. but since returning from the field in 2002, after completing my three-year term, i’ve wrestled with that call. for years it was even a tension in our marriage, as i wondered… “am i still called to go & do something?”. not necessarily to peru, but to feed the hungry, physical food, somewhere, over there…
my husband & i have been on parallel journeys as we engage with our callings, & we honestly still wrestle with it all to this day. mine is always a question about foreign missions & humanitarian work; his is about preaching. he was a licensed pastor with the christian & missionary alliance, & planted a church in indianapolis 20+ years ago, where he preached for the first few years of our marriage. but God has recently made it clear to him, too : his going forth & preaching the gospel is through song. as we’ve prayed together to be mature in our faith & confident in our calling, the Lord is showing us (for now) that we are GOING by STAYING.
i think you’ll find the themes of discernment and the Lord’s actual, personal guidance running thick in this journal, & i always hope it’s helpful to you all when i share some of my own real-life discernment moments—how God continually speaks through Scripture, His Spirit’s voice in our hearts, dreams, circumstances, & how stringing them together illuminates our path—His will for our lives. He does this so that we can be confident in our walk and calling, living lives that bear fruit & please Him :
“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God…” Colossians 1:9-10 NIV
a few weeks ago on a sunday i was having my early morning devotional time with gigi & poppy, who are up with the birds at 6:15 these days, eager for our candlelit time of prayer & reading our next old testament story from hurlbut’s. afterwards, the house still dark & quiet, we fell asleep together on the sofa, & i had a dream. a robin with a red breast—a european robin, was over on the big, rough farm table in our dining room, looking for leftover crumbs. i awoke & immediately thought of the story of the canaanite woman whose bold faith compels her to ask for what she calls “the children’s bread” : healing & deliverance for her daughter, from the table. i immediately remembered another dream i’d had six or seven years ago. i was holding my newborn baby (gigi), going up to the front of the church for communion. i looked straight into the pastor’s eyes, tears in my own, saying, “please, may i have some bread? my baby is starving…” he put his hand to his chest, into his chest, & pulled out bread from his very own heart. i could tell it physically hurt him to do so, though in the dream it wasn’t gruesome.
later that day (back to the present), while josh was out with the kids & i was cleaning out the fridge, i listened to a jackie pullinger talk that she gave last year at a festival in the UK. that familiar question came back, but this time plural… “are we called to GO?” (there was a big emphasis on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit for witnessing, for GOING) but the Lord spoke clearly as i poured out my heart, gave up the farm, told Him i’d go anywhere, somewhere people are dying to hear the good news for the first time ever! clearly, gently, He said, “I don’t want you to go; I need you to stay, but I need you to pour out, knowing that the more you pour out, the more I’ll fill you up!”
jackie ended the talk by reading the familiar passage from isaiah 58 :
“if you offer your food to the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the afflicted,
then your light shall rise in the darkness
and your gloom be like the noonday.
The Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your needs in parched places
and make your bones strong,
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water
whose waters never fail.
Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to live in.”Isaiah 58:10-12 NRSV
i had always read that passage in light of physical food, but as the days unfolded, & i sought further illumination for, “I don’t want you to GO…” the Lord was blessedly confirming it to me, through dreams & His Word. a few days later i was up in the early morning again, this time alone, reading isaiah 58 again in various versions. i came across this one :
“if thou give bread to the hungry from thy heart, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light spring up in darkness, and thy darkness shall be as noon-day:and thy God shall be with thee continually, and thou shalt be satisfied according as thy soul desires; and thy bones shall be made fat, and shall be as a well-watered garden, and as a fountain from which the water has not failed.
And thy old waste desert places shall be built up, and thy foundations shall last through all generations; and thou shalt be called a repairer of breaches, and thou shalt cause thy paths between to be in peace.”
(Brenton's Septuagint Translation verses 10-12)
isn’t that phenomenal?! through this discernment journey, He’s been reminding me again that, like Peter, my food for the hungry now is spiritual, not physical. “do you love Me? then feed My sheep…” this has brought such needed confidence, knowing that a life here at home is the one that most pleases Him right now. it’s encouraged me to step out & write, right here from home, & offer spiritual bread to moms & children, through discipleship. He gives me life & energy whenever i prioritize my time in this way—so lovely! what a true gift, to be freed from a burden of guilt for not going, & to be given the grace to stay. i can enter into the life He’s given me here with joy & thanksgiving, knowing it’s what brings Him the most joy, too.
* * * * * * *
some friends of mine were over here last week, for a playdate. as our kids played together in our $40 blow-up pool, & we sat beneath the apple tree beside them, we enjoyed the sweetest time of conversation & prayer. the question about hearing God came up, & C asked about how it worked. J & i shared some examples from our own lives, & also, some counsel about starting with the smaller things, like, “who should we have over for dinner this week?” or “should we run errands today?” or maybe something slightly bigger like “should we join this homeschool co-op?” when you move on into trying to hear Him in bigger things, keeping a record of what you think He’s saying is vital. i have a special discernment journal where i keep track of what He seems to be saying, leading me towards, & i have to be willing for Him to take time to unfold it for me over the course of days or weeks, sometimes even months or years. faith is also a major factor. do you believe that He actually delights to speak intimately with you, to lead you by His own voice into His perfect & pleasing will (romans 12:2), into areas of both service & rest? for me, discernment has been a practical outworking of philippians 2:13 :
"For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."
we ended our morning praying, among other things, that C would have wisdom to know if she should take her boys (toddler & newborn) to the beach after our playdate. a couple of hours later i received this picture, which so beautifully communicates not only the decision He led her towards, but His peace & presence that awaited her there 🤎.
may you experience the true treasure of knowing & hearing the Good Shepherd as He guides you continually, leading you in paths of righteousness, & restoring your soul.
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27
(wallpaper is phragmites by fayce in ochre)
